At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
