you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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