I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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