So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
