I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
