My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
