just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
