Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
