I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
