i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
