GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
