I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize