She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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