My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
