I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
