Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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