i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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