happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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