I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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