The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize