i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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