the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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