There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
