I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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