all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Couch. On fire.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize