Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
