Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
so much tequila, so little girl.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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