when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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