I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
