Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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