im six kinds of drunk right now
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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