if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
you inspire me to be a worse person
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
