sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
