shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
