I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
