she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize