mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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