we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
