i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
