Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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