Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
