the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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