remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I forgot wine drunk hurts
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
