Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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