I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
