1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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