i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
