just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
