I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
