He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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