I heard we made out
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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