Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
