I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
