this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Randomize
