11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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