my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize