I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
