Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
