I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
