Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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