at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
