I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
