I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
