Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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