The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
